memory;

MOVED! (again)

2007-04-02T08:49:15Z

decided that livejournal is stale and hence, have moved in seek of better pastures:}

www.safarisauce.wordpress.com

insecurities that come from within.

2007-03-30T14:41:17Z

been eating a bit too much than i should the past couple of days that i'm starting to worry about myself, about my diet. scared of over-eating and taking a step into the unsafe weight zone that i've put for my ownself. yeah, i should be controlling what i eat but its a bit hard isn't it when at home you've practically got everything in the kitchen. from ice-cream to biscuits to cereal to sumptuous meals. i'm inclined to swith to caffeine every time i feel the urge to indulge on something sinful but we all know that that is a bad habit. i have no idea when i started to worry so much about the way i look and how i want others to judge me based on my appearance. the idea itself disgusts me and i do find myself disgusting as for now.

lately, i have been thinking about my university applications and just thinking and thinking about it. i don't want to choose my choice of courses based on what others think are good and relevant in today's society. but its easier said than done when the whole hoo-haa about it is unavoidable. i am positive that this is what i want and i am going to stick by it no matter what. support is of course essential and i can only hope that i'll get as much of it as i can.

during tutoring tonight with my primary 5 tutee, we had a very casual and an indirect heart-to-heart talk. as i learn more about her and as she knew more about me, i came to realised that the both of us are not that much different after all. in terms of character that is. as i revealed to her the journey of my life thus far (cheydebah seh), i noticed that i have come a long way. i'm not trying to 'masuk bakul angkat diri sendiri' but thinking back about who i was four to five years ago, i am glad that i didn't turn out otherwise although i had the opportunity to do so. and i am just thankful for what i am and what i have right now.

i have alot of insecurities issues just like everyone else. well, unless you're someone who thinks you're just so perfect but even so, that is entirely impossible. although i can't shake off those insecurities and fears that i have almost too instantly, i know i can slowly work towards it. no matter how big or how small they are.

ayam penyet and penyet hair.

2007-03-25T12:20:02Z

after ugama class today, the whole family took a drive to parkway parade. it sucks being stuck at home on a weekend, feeling all bored. so at parkway parade, i finally finally(at last!) got around to buying my mp3's earphones. didn't exactly got the ones that i wanted which were the ones in orange-since my creative zen micro is in orange-but i managed to get the ones in white. plus, you could change the colours of the earphones. after walking around parkway parade, the parents decided to have late lunch at the famous waroeng penyet.

we ordered ayam penyet and daging penyet. the ayam penyet there was quite expensive as compared to the usual ayam penyet at changi but it was worth the money. they had more ingredients, the sambal was power! and the ayam was tender and soft. very nice meal and a very satisfying one i must add, that will leave your stomach gasping for air. seriously. although, according to bapak, he still has not yet found any ayam penyet in singapore that can be as good and as power as the ayam penyet that we had at batam previously. that one was the bomb and it tops them all. still on the search.

hence, after a fulfilling meal, we no longer toured the mall but went home straight due to very very full stomachs. after coming home, i-being the good sister-accompanied kak dhirah to the neighbourhood hairdressing salon since she wanted to trim her hair.

that's kak dhirah. as for me, i didn't get a haircut though. i have been meaning to do something about this scraggly hair of mine, like maybe making it nicer or flatter (penyet hair does sound cool) but then, i figured that i'll just let it grow long. it has been a while since i have long hair. throughout my years as a student, the most frequent option for me was having short hair. guess it was just easier.

sunday. that means only one thing: ugly betty!

tiring sunday? or am i getting heavier?

2007-02-25T15:35:53Z

ok, so after ugama class today and after changing out of the baju kurungs, the whole family went to paternal aunt's place which was at jurong. ok frankly, the siblings and i, we never look forward to going there. ever. i think its partly because of the fact that we grew apart from our paternal cousins. for god knows what reason. so, you can say that everytime we head on there, it'll be a bit uncomfortable and awkward cause we end us just talking amongst ourselves and not so much with the cousins whom we are supposed to be mingling around with. but nonetheless, i wasn't going to let all of those issues dampen my mood. cause there's going to be food! lots of it. so after doa selamat and all, makan lah aper lagi. but not before a certain aunt commented about seeing me at vivocity last year with my "GUY". haha. but luckily, the parents were quite cool with it.

the day just had to see me off being so physically tired from the long journey home (although i was sleeping in the car on the way home, but still.) and also being mentally tired but despite that, dragging my arse down for tutoring. its a weekend for goodness sake! but, my tutee's having her exams soon and hence the extra lessons. but once it was over, i can finally heave a huge sigh of relief. nothing extremely draining there but i was just really tired.

i seriously think i've gone fatter or something. no doubt, i feel heavier. i am so for the morning jogs and all, but when morning actually comes, that thought is far from my mind. find another way. i heard my tutee's mum say, "when there's a will, there's a way". ok, nothing special about that. heard it before, been there, done that. but its true. but just to be safe, lets just hope my will is stronger than my ways. ways of finding excuses.

bad traits of mine.

2007-02-23T05:08:55Z

there are times when i feel like the meanest and loneliest person ever. there are times when i feel like everyone in the whole world is going against me. today happened to be one of those times. but out of all the times that i've ever had this abysmal feeling, today tops them all.

the meanest award goes to me simply because i know that i tend to act in a very cavalier way around people. and it gets even worse whenever i am galled or vexed. its worrying because i know this bad trait of mine and i am trying, trying real hard to alter and turn it all around altogether. but whenever i try to do so, the results don't come out good and in the end, i become a more vehement person. i've received comments and reminders about me being a meanie and frankly, it hurts. i don't know whether its because i can't accept friendly reminders or its simply because i choose not to believe what others say about me. when someone tells or points out your mistake, it is never a good feeling. i guess i just can't deal with it. but i don't want to be like that. i want to change, believe me i do. even i am trying to convince myself that i do. but its not as easy as people think it is. i am not blaming this malicious behaviour of mine on innate traits cause this behaviour is a choice. i chose it a long time ago and now i'm regretting it. and hence, the need to change. sometimes, fury overcomes and i can't think straight. that's when the real damage occurs.

at the same time, i feel lonely. i find myself not having anyone that i can actually let everything out to without the fear of being degraded even more, without the fear of being reprimanded again. its not that i don't want to admit my mistakes, but at times when you have swollen just-cried eyes and that lump in your throat from crying too much cause you think everyone is against you, you just want someone to tell you that you are able to change. you can change if you believe in yourself. i want that. i know azri's there but he's busy and i can't ask more from him. the one place that i can turn to is to turn to god for comfort and ask him to show me how he really wants me to be like cause he out of all people knows best.

i feel so caught in the middle. i don't know whether its best to dissimulate my feelings and risk those feelings eating me inside out but safe others from my outburst or thoughts be it good or bad, or to just expose how i really feel and risk others either agreeing with me or hating me for my own piece of my mind.

maybe it is this lack of patience in me that precludes me from changing into a better person. but i don't want to be like that anymore cause its not doing me and the people around me any good.

mini-shopping with sis.

2007-02-21T10:51:22Z

the only interesting thing today was going shopping for kak dhirah's dress. did an errand for bapak before heading towards century square to do some long-awaited mini-shopping. well, for me that is. my previous month pay is almost dry. but not before i managed to get myself a pair of cute red pumps. red is the colour as of now. anyways, as for kak dhirah, that girl intended to do some serious shopping but alas and alack, luck was not on her side. she did still manage to get a babydoll top that i totally adore. she was being such a good sister by offering to buy for me a top as well. i must have gone cuckoo or something cause i said no! why oh why...i totally regretted my decision the moment i came back home.

i'm thinking of getting a red crumpler bag when my next pay comes in but i so know what my parents would say to that. "eh, how many bags you want?". well, my answer to that would be, "i want many many bags!". of course, i could never say that. furthermore, the last bag i bought(the esprit one)cost me quite an amount and it is the most convenient bag for someone who has alot, alot of things to carry to school or work. (must.resist.the.temptation.must.)

met up with azri for a short while around five-ish in the evening. guess i was wrong. there was nothing wrong with us. but hey, don't give up boy. if there's anything, i'm here. as always.

on yesterday's events.

2007-02-20T03:40:31Z

so in chronological order, i woke up late yesterday morning at 9++am and lazed around before heading towards the bathroom to bathe at 10am. gosh, i'm becoming lazier by the minute. but, you can't blame me, it was a public holiday and the family had made no plans or whatsoever to go out. and then by noon, i was restless with nothing to do. so i slept(again)on the sofa. gawd, such a lazy-arse. luckily after zuhur bapak decided to go to parkway parade's giant to get mandarin oranges.

before that, on the way, we decided to stop by ikea tampines for a short while. since you know, on the account of never been there ever since it opened last year. despite it being chinese new year, you would have thought that it would not be crowded but no, it was still as crowded as ever. don't they go visiting? anyways, mak had thoughts about changing the look of the house altogether but we all know how much time and hassle that's going to cost us. so what did we get at ikea in the end? a pair of oven gloves and an utensil basket for emak, a mini plush octopus for me and a mini plush turtle for kak dhirah. and just for the record, i named the five-legged octopus INK.

we went to parkway parade's giant after that but we came back with alot of snacks and things to munch on, but with no mandarin oranges. wanted to eat lunch at banquet but it was closed, just like all the other shops. bapak made an on-the-spot decision while driving home to go to changi beach for a walk and look at all those people who had set up tents and overnight there. if not for the rain, it would have been a nice walk. alot of malays there, spending time with their families. figures. its been quite a looong time since the whole family (including aunts and uncles and cousins) spent some quality time together. last time, a long time ago, we frequently used to have barbeques and overnights at the beaches. but things change-complications and politics. but despite the slight drizzle, people were still swimming and having fun there. however, personally, i think it was all a bit leceh ah. i mean, after swimming have to change and it was slightly congested there and furthermore, it was raining. soon, we went back home. but not before i managed to catch a certain tanned bare-chested eye-candy!

came back home and we all helped emak to put the toppings on the pizza base. lotsa cheese and mushrooms and salami. it has been long, way too long since we last had a taste of mak's home-made pizza. at night, we went to nenek's house for dinner of home-made pizza, courtesy of emak. came back home just abit late to catch the starting of gubra. as usual, sequels are always not as nice as the first one. sepet is so much more better than gubra. i don't understand gubra at all, the plot of it all and what the whole story is supposed to be.

i've not been spending much time with him lately. with him busy with work and school. something's wrong between us but i just can't seem to put my finger on it. i really wish this uneasy feeling would go away soon though.

macritchie & bukit timah on cny.

2007-02-18T08:06:07Z

this year, for chinese new year, the family did not go visiting or whatsoever. no oranges, no red packets. instead, we woke up early since bapak had planned that we go to macritchie reservoir for a short stroll and to be in touch with nature. we're going green!

we didn't go onto the suspension bridge though, cause it was so far and we obviously were not in proper attire for a long walk or run. heck, we were wearing jeans and sneakers. then after taking a stroll around macritchie reservoir, of course we were feeling hungry and so, the next stop was at bukit timah for breakfast. dah jalan, mesti lah lapar :)

spending time with those that matter.

2007-02-16T15:03:42Z

i had thoughts about getting contacts but then i decided not to cause i know i'm not ready for that kind of responsibility just yet. as childish as it may sound, yes. i already have enough to worry about my physical complications and being fully responsible about it. maybe contacts would have to wait. surely not anytime soon. wanting to opt for contacts would also mean that i would have to start saving up again. initially, i had started saving up for a good whoop-ass camera, then decided to forego that and decided to use the money for driving lessons. NOW, i'm changing my mind again and deciding that i'll use the money to buy my own laptop. not that there's anything wrong with the laptop that i have now, or rather the laptop that the whole family uses. i just want a personalized one and bapak did point out that if i ever were to step into a post-tertiary insitute, i will be needing my own laptop for school stuff and all. yeah, so i decided to forego the camera and the driving lessons and opt for the laptop instead. i've done some thinking and yup, i've set my priorities right and i know that this is what i should be using the money for. so, contacts are definitely not one of the top priorities right now. concept of opportunity cost eh?

well, speaking of contacts, since i'm not getting them, i'll just stick to my good ol' trusty glasses. although i do need to stop procrastinating and get my butt down to the optical shop to get them fixed(due to previously being smacked in the face by afal while i was wearing my specs). i've been procrastinating nowadays. for what reason, i don't exactly know. its not like i've got lots to do anyway. macam malas je. but. i'm glad i finally, finally went to update my posb bank book after how many weeks of putting it off. and it was also thanks to emak who asked me to do her a favour and go buy something from the supermarket. since it was on the way, i thought i might as well do it. and oh, after completing emak's errands, i scouted around the neighbourhood for awhile and i went to buy stickers(!) for my primary 2 tutee. i swear i was getting these odd stares from people around cause i looked very over-aged to be buying power rangers, superman and spiderman stickers. but hey, who could resist? 15 packets for $1 lah beb!

at night, just as i was about to go off for tutoring, the makcik called and hence, it was postponed. the whole family then took an impulse choice to head on down to sheng shiong at bedok to go get some snacks. well, minus kak dhirah of course who was working the afternoon shift. it was packed i tell ya. what not with chinese new year just around the corner. the brother and i made a wise choice to stay outside whilst waiting for emak and bapak to get the snacks. finally i get a chance to just talk to afal. i'm glad that he still tries to tell me stuff even though how much he and i know he's growing up. just earlier on, right after he came back from school, he showed me that he received a belated valentine's day present from an ex, why, zack. alahai.

since it was still quite early to go home, bapak suggested that we lepak under the block. haha, so thats what we did. took out the snacks bought earlier on and just chatted about stuff under the block, while we got ourselves comfortable. honestly, i found the whole thing quite funny actually. i mean, who would have imagined saying, "eh, i lepak with my parents ah under the block tonight". but, at least it meant that we were spending time together and it was cool lah deh.

my valentine.

2007-02-15T05:28:50Z

ok, i'm not one who celebrates valentine's day or whatsoever, but at the same time, i'm not one to chastise the whole notion of it all. hence, i wasn't expecting anything since in all of the four years of being in a relationship with azri, we never did exactly acknowledge valentine's day. he definitely made it clear during our first year together where he forwardly said, "eh, valentine's day i'm not giving you anything tau.". to which, i replied, " okay.". and i'll add, without any feeling of being broken-hearted or disappointed. so that's how it has been ever since. come to think of it, me and azri have never been much into celebrating things. the dates that are marked as important in our calendar simply include:(chronologically) our annual anniversary, his birthday and then mine. no monthly 'anniversaries' or any of that stuff for that matter. as for gifts, no need to have any special occasion. if one feels like giving the other something, we just simply randomly give it without any real reason or occasion(except during some instances). i guess i'm definitely thankful that i did not get involved with someone who believes strongly in being mushy or tries too hard to be romantic. i'm sure i'll get suffocated, as proven from past experience.

so yesterday evening, an unexpected call from him.
azri: eh, happy valentine's day.
sarah: ya lah you, now then say. dah nak habis pun.
azri: but we're not supposed to celebrate it aper.
sarah: yelah.
azri: ok, so happy valentine's day. i love you.
sarah; okay. me also. eh, dah lah. cepat. i need to go get ready for tutoring.
azri: ok, love you.
sarah: dah lah, faster. bye bye bye!
not the most romantic conversation on valentine's day, but that'll do for me.

the brother came home and showed me a heart-shaped jar filled with colourful m&m-s, given to him by his two-month old girlfriend. gosh, he grows up so fast. last time i checked, he didn't have a girlfriend and the next thing i knew(thanks to kak dhirah's brilliant skills of being able to find out secrets), he has one. he doesn't really tell me stuff anymore as opposed to how he did last time and frankly, that makes me uncomfortable about the whole thing. maybe i'm just scared that we'll grow apart.

so, i spent my valentine's day at home the whole day and later at night, tutoring. wah, yesterday night, my tutee's mum gave me fried chicken as a post-tutoring snack(the fried chicken was so much more better than the agar-agar kentang that she gave me previously). haha, i can get used to this. in addition, she gave me oranges and peanuts in conjuction with chinese new year. or so she said.

family plans this weekend! hopefully.

sisters' day out (finally!).

2007-02-12T12:11:26Z

met up with fezah on sunday morning and went down for the ntu talk held at suntec city convention hall. informative though i still want to know more about the school. its a pity that ntu's open house will be held on the same day as the family trip to cameron highlands. kind of already made up my mind about the whole 'where-do-i-want-to-go-after-Alevels-which-will-ultimately-determine-what i-will-be-like-in-the-future' thing. so lets just pray that it will go that way. which reminds me that the A level results will be coming out real soon. i know this fact is very stale but i can't help it!

today was a 3 hour day out with kak dhirah. short but as usual, definitely a good one.

then it was off for tutoring while kak dhirah went off for work. walking from tampines mall all the way to tutoring was a waaaayyy bad idea. i was thinking that i could use the exercise since i had two bk meals within the span of two days, yesterday with fezah and today with kak dhirah. in addition, i've been gorging down junk food like mad these past few days so, its only normal that i would have gained a few pounds. but whatever the reason was, i regretted walking instead of taking the bus! it was hot and i was perspiring like mad and in addition, i accumulated blisters on my feet along the way. so not helping. takpelah, look at it this way-at least i didn't give up halfway and take the bus.

watched the cicakman vcd yesterday. well, quite funny but very mengarut. and so i've been told that i have a very dry sense of humor. maybe.

bubbles.

2007-02-09T06:19:09Z

as we grow up we learn
that even the person who wasn't supposed to let you down probably will
you will have your heart broken more than once
and it won't be easier the second time
you'll fight with your bestest friend
you'll blame a new love for what an old flame did
you'll cry because time is passing so fast
and you'll eventually lose someone you love
life is too short
so take many pictures and laugh way too much
and most importantly, love without holding back.

did you ever notice how you can be sitting in the middle of doing something one day
and all of a sudden you will remember the beginning
like the first time we held hands or the first song that we sang together over the phone
like the first time we went to the movies or the first shy awkward moment that we shared
maybe something smaller like a joke that we laughed at for hours
or a day that we spent shopping and eating at a fast food restaurant together
sometimes i'll be sitting in the middle of doing something
and i'll remember and it makes me think
look how far we have come, look how long it has been
look how happy we've made each other, look how sad we've made each other
and that is surely something so sentimental
that it brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.

sometimes you've got to hold your head up to the sky
fake a smile and pretend everything is fine
because all things have a purpose whether its good or bad
hearts get broken and friends get mad
but whatever may happen
just keep a smile the whole way through
and never let anyone get the best of you.

the sun is going to shine and the rain is going to fall
and in the end you might get burnt or wet
but you've got to know that that's life;
so dance in the puddle and bathe in the sun
and at the end of the day...smile
because everything is going to be okay.

students' antics.

2007-02-07T15:20:34Z

did relief teaching for the first time today. i thought initially that my chances of having a hand at relief teaching was gone since its already february and all but today i got lucky. so i was scheduled for a primary 2 class in the afternoon session at chongzheng primary, for the whole day. so, commonly like everybody else, i was thinking what type of kids would i get. and boy, was i in for a surprise when the class that i had to relief-2 benevolence(2B)-was loud and a hyper-hyper active one, with a few exceptions. and so, as the day went by, i got a chance to teach english, maths and health ed. how cool is that? health ed. haha. throughout the day, surrounded by these kids who willingly call you a teacher, it made me remember when was the last time any student was so interested and eager to contribute their answers on the board and participate actively in class. as far as i can remember, by the time i was primary 3, the whole thing died down in my class. then towards the end of the day, during flag lowering-where i brought down the kids late and hence, so paiseh-, i caught myself smiling to myself when i heard the kids(only primary 1 and 2)singing the national anthem with gusto. or maybe i just miss being in a curriculum school.

of course, all students are never the same. but i managed to come up with a few categories that one might be able to see in every primary class. or most class at least.
-the sucker: likes to suck-up to the teacher. tells the teacher everything. "cher, that boy he did this, that..". aims to be a teacher's pet. definitely a turn off and acts like a goody-two-shoes in front of the teacher, but in actual fact, not at all.
-the silent one: keeps damn quiet and doesn't talk, or rarely talks. does not participate in class discussions and while the others are playing around and making noise, the silent one keeps quiet. only sign of communication is nodding or shaking of the head. even when communicating with friends, the silent one's voice is very soft to say the least. although, one should be aware cause the silent one can go both ways. being silent can mean that he/she doesn't understand what is being taught or if lucky, understands but rather just keeps mum.
-the couple: this one is cute. there was this boy and girl in my class who i can totally see that they like each other. monkey/puppy love.
-the troublemaker: the naughty one and definitely the noisiest one in class. super-duper active and likes to create alot of cacophony. but don't fret., usually his actions are only on the misdemeanour scale. don't stereotype cause it can be both genders.
-the oh-we're-so-pretty-and-so-good-hehehe girls: this one i cannot stand. only primary 2 okay. but if one looks at it from a different angle, quite cute lah.
-the tomboy: sits amongst the boys and hangs out with them. janegirl?(not a real word actually, the opposite of tomboy) not in primary school at least. more frequent in secondary level.
-the attention-seeker: not to be confused with the sucker. this one wants attention from the teacher because the attention seeker either has a crush on the teacher or just likes the attention. had one in my class who did everything he could as long as it would get me to come over to his table and talk to him.
-the hottie: the hottie knows that he's hot (duh..) and he gets alot of attention from the girls. girls like to swoon over him. vice versa too.
-the normies: finally, the normal students. plays around but gets things done when supposed to. act like normal and sane students.
i remember being the sucker, the silent one and the tomboy and of course one of the normies.

relief teaching made me recall back that one time when my class had a relief teacher when we were in primary 5. i specifically remembered her because we made a song out of her. "miss sheila, miss sheila, never wear bra. wear singlet wear singlet..". seriously. even though we were only in primary 5, the boys knew what a good bosom looks like. and truth be told, she was flat-chested. some of the girls in my class were even more 'developed' than her. hahaha, mean, i know. miss sheila kept on telling us about her jc life and how she went into a jc with 16 points cause she was so happy with her results despite not going into the 3 months jc course. no offence, but we were not listening at all cause we were more concerned about her not having boobs. and furthermore, we were only in primary 5. i think she knew about that song, which just made it even funnier. i hoped that none of the students made up a song about me just now. unlikely but you never know. haha :)

so, unforgettable moment during relief teaching for the first time? i have to say it was during health ed with class 2F. nearing the end of the lesson, two girls came up to me after coming back from the toilet to inform me that there was a locked cubicle in the girls toilet. when one of them knocked, there was an answer. but when another girl climbed and looked over, there was no one. i was taken aback for a while and of course a teeny bit freaked but i couldn't show that in front of the primary 2 kids can i? so i kindly told them i'll check on it after class. to which, they hold my word for it and asked me to accompany them to the toilet. the moment i stepped in, the girls were shrieking for what reason i do not know. but, i saw the locked cubicle. i didn't knock on the cubicle to check whether there was going to be a reply or not cause frankly, i was scared. hence, since the kids plus the teacher(me) were freaked out, i sent the students back to class after promising to let the head teacher know. of course i didn't do anything about it. it was just a lame reason. i mean, what else could i have said that would have sounded assuring?

school ended at 6.30 and i traipsed to the nearest bus-stop. the reason being that i had tutoring later at 8pm and it was all the way in bedok and i had to go there on my own on the account of bapak having OT. and hence, i had to rush home and be out by 7.30pm. so imagine the huge sigh of relief when i got to know that bapak would be sending me since his OT was cut short. i was already full of fatigue. but i survived the tutoring session. totally! today has got to be the first time ever that my tutee's/student's neighbour's dog did not bark at me wildly the moment i arrived. accomplishment. maybe he already got used to me. but another one of a typical student antics-my tutee started to get sick in the middle of the session. no comments. and now its already the second time her father(the one who made the agar-agar kentang!)called me sharifah instead of sarah. not that i mind actually. at least he acknowledged me.

and that's it. relief teaching was only for a day. tomorrow i'm back to just tutoring. relief teaching was kind of fun actually, and in a way, the whole thing with the primary 2 kids, was kind of cute.

my treat (the bill, please).

2007-02-03T15:39:15Z

and so since my first (ever) pay has already rolled in this week, i treated the family to a dinner at pizza hut as promised. puas hati! :)

food was great, of course. and hence, without wasting anytime, dig in we did!

walked around bedok after that and boy, the chinese new year preparations were already in action. red red red.

took a little spin around tampines before heading on home.

strong as ever baby.

2007-02-01T04:56:25Z

love is tricky. some people don't even believe in love. some people live for love, look for love, need love. others take love if it comes to them but they don't go looking for it. and so i have been told that love comes in 3 levels.

the first love level is how you love your family. that's a give-in. you may not admit to loving them, but it's something that arrives the day you are born. you are bonded by blood, a complex, but simple love.

the second love level is the way you love your friends. how you love your friends is the middle category between family and lovers. friends can easily move up or down levels to being a lover and/or family(to an extent) or a stranger. from my point of view, being a friend has oh so many advantages and disadvantages as well, such as the shifting of categories(depending to which categories). there are times when you tell your friend(s) you love them; there are times when you really don't need to/have to vocalize that aspect of your relationship because that's how strong a friendship can be(unless a friend moved down to the level of strangers or ex-friends, than that doesn't apply obviously). you don't necessarily overflow with love when you are with a friend, its almost like a strong appreciation.

the last, but the strongest love level is, the way you actually love. the way you vent your love to an individual. the way that this love spills out when you are around them; how you just don't want to keep it in. the type of love that makes you want to express anything and everything and never stop. the love that almost makes everything seem perfect. the best love, but also the worst love. the hardest love, the most tragic love, the love that has the unruliest way of breaking your heart. being in love with a very well known stranger; not someone bonded to you by blood, but someone you consider more than a friend. someone you feel incredibly passionate about. definitely the strongest and most undaunted level.

there is one person i have to thank for helping me realize all the categories, and that's you.

nothing left to lose.

2007-01-30T15:21:49Z

so, it has already been 4 years. here's to another 4 more years azri:)

the national environment people came to do a check in the late morning while i was vacuuming the house. yes, very unglam i know. checked the pots, whether there were any stagnant water around. you know, the stuff they say on tv. keep those mozzies away. apparently, according to the woman, there are four cases of dengue fever on the 9th floor and hence, all the fuss about it all. better be safe than sorry although the news came as a shock cause i didn't expect something like that to happen so nearby. must take more precautions. don't want to risk it.

downloaded songs like mad today. i think i went barmy when the system couldn't work for a few moments.

contacted an ex-friend today. well, i don't exactly know whether she 's an ex-friend but so far, i've always labelled her under that category cause we just ended things so abruptly without any real reason. i heard that she's experiencing some hard time now and i just felt obliged that i should ask her how she was doing. maybe its just because of the fact that we were ever once friends before. yeah, things are not the same but, there's nothing wrong about caring about someone who used to be very close to you. obviously things are not going to suddenly turn around magically and we will be the best of friends again, but i was just glad and my hati went lembut when at least she still knows who i am! haha. well, as someone who used to care alot about her, i'm just thankful that she's ok. no grudges baybeh.

the moon was out early today. on the way home from tutoring, just before maghrib, i saw the moon up and out plastered on the still clear blue sky, before it was dark. i don't know, there's always just something about the moon. no, nothing like the moon is a chunk of cheese or whatever. its just that i like the look of the moon. i like looking up and looking at the moon. there's just something about it. i remember always searching for the moon in the morning during my jogs. the moon, still there, unnoticed cause everybody just notices that the sun is out and a new day has started. i remember this once that i just stood there looking at the moon which was still out at 7+ in the morning and just watching it till it disappeared behind the clouds. the moon, just one of the random things that make me smile.

gathering, on mum's side.

2007-01-28T09:44:55Z

straight on down to nenek's house after ugama lesson ended at noon. initially, i thought that not many would turn up but i was wrong. relatives on the maternal side of the family came and not long after, the place was filled with laughters and talks. as always, we stayed on longer than usual. not that i am complaining. and after eating so much today at nenek's house, i'm beginning to take my weight into consideration. i find it interesting to weigh myself in pounds rather than in kilograms. although, one look at it and i feel all heavy altogether. pictures were taken after almost everyone had gone off home. not much, but it kind of sums up the day shortly, doing nothing much except eating and fooling around.

ok, so my face looks the same in the last three pictures, but that just can't be helped.

survivor i am.

2007-01-27T14:58:54Z

i told you so. just like always, everything's back to how it is. all hunky-dory and all. he blagged his way through the whole thing yesterday by acting as if nothing happened. and i must say, he was lucky he caught me in a good mood yesterday night. so, i easily forgot about the whole incident and things are back to normal. i was reading back my past entries on this eljay and i realised that i wrote quite alot about being in a very shitty mood due to arguments and stuff and being broken and all. and then a few days later, i'm back to writing about how things are a-ok already. and then the next few days, i'm back to complaining how things are back to being grody. and then the cycle goes on. you get the idea. i wonder why despite all of that i still do keep up and hold on to this whole relationship thing. but i do come to notice that i complain alot. sheesh, seriously, i have never seen myself as one of those whiny type of girls but i guess, maybe i am-indirectly of course. i think that from now on, i'm going to have to change. well well, now how many times have i said that? change. okay, but this time, i'm really really going to mean it. i am. promise. i don't want it to become another eyewash again. fingers crossed. and no more, poignant entries about my overdramatic exaggerating mood. unless its really necessary.

its decided that i'll get him a memory card for his handphone for the 30th of january. now, how unromantic is that? but azri told me honestly that was what he wanted and seeing that i had not come up with anything worthy yet to get him, i said ok. come to think of it, its not a bad idea. it maybe unromantic but at least its useful. he wants it. rather than i end up getting him something stupid like a teddy bear or something and he just looks at it disgustingly and chucks it under the bed. although i know i would never ever get him a teddy bear and even if for some absurd reason i do, he wouldn't dare look at it disgustingly, at least not in front of me. its hard getting gifts for guys cause the range is so limited. anyway, that's settled.

this weekend, it looks like its a stay-at-home one. didn't go out today and i doubt the family will tomorrow except for the family gathering at nenek's house tomorrow afternoon. no going shopping or whatsoever. boring nye. bapak pointed out that next week, we will be going to pizza hut for lunch/dinner on the account that i would already have received my pay by then. yes! first time treating the family, or rather anybody, with my own hard earned money due to the fact that now, i have a job. well, if you consider being a tutor a job. i think i would feel really satisfied and great once i get hold of the money. and its not just because its money, but its the fact that its my first time ever getting paid. yes, i am that pathetic. i have been financially-dependent all these while. so, first time being financially-independent, as hard as it is, its a step forward.

speaking of tutoring, i totally survived this whole week! man, when today came, i have never felt more relieved. not that i don't enjoy tutoring, i do. in fact, things have been getting better. farizan-the tutee who previously refused to do her work-is more serious now and i am only ever so grateful for that. the other tutees have been okay and their parents have been really nice to me and all. yesterday night-the last tutoring lesson for the week-was quite a panicky one. halfway through the lesson, i was getting all this mixed signals from my stomach and i was so damn afraid that i was going to get my period. i so felt it and i am due around the end of the month. to make things worse, i was wearing a pair of white pants. i sat through feeling uncomfortable and at the same time, worrying about how i would handle the situation. but then, it was a false alarm and i couldn't be more relieved. imagine having to face that humiliation and embarrassment in front of your 11 year old tutee whom you don't even know whether she has already stepped into womanhood or not. and to end off the night, her mum made me eat agar-agar kentang that her( the mum) husband made. i am writing-or rather typing-this down so that i would not forget the day that i get a taste of agar-agar kentang(translation: potato jelly). not only did it sound weird to me, it tasted weird as well. but not necessarily in a bad weird way. just weird. so, i didn't want to seem rude or anything, so i finished it up with the help of fanta grape to push it down my throat. on the way back, i was laughing to myself about the whole agar-agar kentang thing. well, i think its name got to me.

and i watched cheetah girls 2 just now on disney channel. you know, i always end up watching all these kiddy shows and cartoons. you would think that someone being 18 years of age would spend more of her time watching documentaries or more worthy-of-watching shows. and to add on, i'm reading princess diaries. oh how kental. but meg cabot is a great author i tell you.

tough as you.

2007-01-26T06:19:52Z

do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? you don't want to smile, and you don't want to fake being happy. but at the same time, you don't know exactly what is wrong either. there isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. if you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. people have stopped being comforting...and being alone never was. but at least when you're alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who wont take 'i don't know' for an answer. you feel the way you do just BECAUSE. you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait - that's just the way it is right now.

i don't know whether to say that my effort of trying to break the recent silence between us was a good thing or not. cause there was something about yesterday's night conversation that was very convoluted. can't seem to put my finger on what it was. we just can't seem to make ends meet these days. and frankly, my mind was in a whole tumult right after the conversation ended up till now. it started off with a very harmless venial matter that i thought we managed to get it settled but instead, it quickly grew into something so dangerous, so huge. i don't want it to be like the only thing i can ever talk or think about is the downs and barneys of this relationship. but that can't be helped if this relationship is bedevilled by personal tensions. a few days ago, i know i had let this matter off, saying that its these tiffs that adorns the relationship and that i'm okay with it. but i don't think so now.

so suck it up and try to deal with it. but in the mean time, just stop it. and quickly.

magical powers.

2007-01-25T03:21:06Z

all hail the wonders of coffee. it's magic. firstly, the good thing about it is that it is able to keep me going all day long, with full-well not completely 100% all the time-of energy. seeing that today, is a busy as a bee day. three tutoring sessions. afternoon, evening and at night. and then, i still need all the energy that i have left to last me through today's 2 hours prison break special episode. secondly, what caffeine can do for me is, to heal a distorted heart and mind. no doubt, he has left me utterly bereft the past two to three days-ok, a bit or an exaggeration but still. i can only hope that this will be all over soon. but in the meantime, caffeine will keep me company in times of need and ache.

time lapse.

2007-01-24T14:41:51Z

when the hours move to minutes and i'm seconds away.

i got it done.

2007-01-24T08:43:12Z

so, i got around to cleaning out my study table. my brother asked whether he could borrow my pvc leather backpack which was chucked underneath my study table. well, not before arguing with me the other day about the colour of the bag(i said brown, he said red and we finally came to an agreement after kak dhirah said that the bag was brownish merun). i would have straight away said yes, only that the bag was filled with my jc notes cause i simply could not find any place to keep them. the study shelves were full and the big ikea box that i kept my notes and files in was already torn from being over-stuffed. that's why i cleaned out my study table and after throwing away numerous stuff, the shelves look neater and now i can lend my brother the bag. while cleaning, mak kept on reminding me not to throw things away cause i have the habit of doing so. i assured here that those were really out-dated items that i would most definitely not be needing anymore.

i got a weird comment from bapak today when he called from work earlier on. he was asking me what i was doing and all, and so i told him i was looking through the cookbook to help mak decide what to cook for lunch today and then most probably i'll be helping her around the kitchen as usual. instantly, he asked whether i am already deciding to get married cause of the sudden interest in domestic activities. to which, i only laughed at his comment and said of course not :) i guess i've always just seen myself as getting married at an older age, like maybe when i'm nearing 30.

and mak commented also. she said that i was being quite harsh on my cousins today. not that she was scolding me but she just noticed. well, i had no answer to that comment. maybe i was in a bad mood today but as far as i know myself, i'm far from being in a bad mood today. the day started off quite well like any other day. tutoring was even postponed today and i was free the whole afternoon. guess i was wrong about wednesday being a busy day. should have been thursday.

it sucks being broke. my first pay is not coming in till the next week and as if the wait is not long enough, half of the money goes to the tutoring agency. boo.

keeping mum.

2007-01-23T15:33:31Z

recently, i've been keeping to myself. i guess its the thought of, 'if you have nothing good to say, then don't say it', running through my mind. or maybe its not that. maybe the real reason is that i'm afraid of a response. either way, maybe i just want to keep to myself more than i should. and he just had to re-confirm my opinion and recent stand yesterday night. not the best possible way to make me realise but thanks. yeah right. so, you got what you wanted, this, so take it and enjoy. being subtle has not been my game and it never will be. thus, resulting in me frequently treating every issue in a cavalier way and blowing up an insensate rage. i'm guessing you've caught on to it as well, and hence, those piercing ouch-ouch-y words. it's funny how after a few days, i'l be writing once again about how everything will be back to a convivial mood despite the malicious mood now. what else, i'll be licking my own wounds like always. maybe this is the very thing that adorns this relationship in every possible crooked, weird and sick way. and knowing myself, i guess i'm ok with it.

finally got a chance to have a look at how kak dhirah looks like at work. didn't know you had it in you sista...despite the messy hair and the funky smell of pizza, you looked quite alright. better than how i would have looked like working at a stuffy and warm place like that. waited for her to be done with her shift before heading on down to the library. and oh, i got a free pizza, compliments of kak dhirah's working staff, who insisted. so after many days of putting it off, finally got around to borrowing decent books to keep me accompanied through the night.

wednesday. a long day ahead tomorrow. and a tiring one too. i can just see it.

dance for rain.

2007-01-20T11:10:51Z

woke up relatively earlier than usual, considering that today was a weekend. was woken up by my grumbling stomach that was asking for something to be gobbled up quickly. i succumbed and hence grabbed a piece of raisin bread and a fruit bar before going back to sleep. not the best habit i know, but once my stomach was quite satisfied, i decided to go back to sleep. however, not before recalling that one shouldn't go to sleep right after you eat cause it would result in a very buncit stomach. so, i slept sitting down. haha. not long after, was woken up again by mak who asked me to do my aunt a favor by filling in for her at her factory canteen stall for a while. sleepily said yes but then went back to bed after the whole plan was cancelled. i already made a mental plan to head on down to the library in the morning since i had nothing planned. parents were going off for a talk at brother's school, afal had soccer practice while kak dhirah had made plans with her friends to go to temasek polythenic's open house. but then, i woke up later at ten plus and by then, laziness got the better of me and i stayed home. kak dhirah gladly accompanied me since her plans were cancelled.

mak and bapak came back before noon. went out soon after since i was bored being stuck at home on a saturday. we (minus afal, again) went to parkway parade. no reason, just window shopping here and there. beats staying at home and being a couch potato on a weekend.

light lunch

snack shopping at Giant

came back home and kak dhirah made popcorn. plopped down in front of the telly and watched a re-run episode of prison break cause there was nothing good to watch.

i heard that the o level results are coming out earlier than expected. that does mean that the a level results will be realised earlier too? i don't want to think about it cause everytime i do, i end up cursing myself and making myself feel bad. at this point of time, i don't want that and i don't want to think so much about heavy issues cause i know that that time will come soon, but not now. i rather think about nothing at all but of course that will just leave me brain-dead, or think about picayune stuffs like coming up with a new want list the next time i go shopping. and speaking of that, i have come up with one and i must say, it did got me thinking as to why i can never get enough of things. there's always something that i feel i need but truth be told, in the end, after buying, sometimes i question as to whether it was a worthy bargain.

a new hijrah year is here. 1428. as cliche as it sounds, time does fly very fast. sometimes even without us noticing it. and every hijrah new year, i find myself asking god to make me a better person inside and outside. i want to do well for my a levels and improving my life to be a better one. hence, made a mini-resolution:
1. to stop being testy and to stop being a haridan.
2. think more about others rather than always about me, me, me.
3. be brave enough to admit my mistakes.

today's weather rocks. it started to rain right after we got back.

more cheese.

2007-01-16T15:23:18Z

when kak dhirah came home from work, together with new york pizza's cheese fries and a very small pizza, that was basically the main highlight of the quite mundane day although it only lasted for a few seconds. first time having a bite of new york pizza and it was a bit disappointing. maybe its because its takeaway and perhaps its better to dine there. well, hopefully that will be some time soon seeing that kak dhirah is already working there. nah, no hopes of getting free pizza or meals for that matter, just good service seeing that i am her sister afterall so she has got to be nice to be whether i am a customer or just plainly her sister. or else...haha. the day was quite mundane cause i didn't do anything much today except for the usual helping mak with the domestic chores.

i realised today that i have bad hair. my hair's all scraggly. even mak noticed it. yeah, i know that my hair's only exposed at home and hence, it should not be a big deal but i have got to see myself in the mirror don't i? and i sure don't want to scare off my little cousins whom mak is taking care of. i want to look slightly presentable even only if its at home. however, thanks to mak, who suggested that i put hair cream on my hair, i am able to tame it now. at least it doesn't look like i've just been given an electric shock or something and that's not an exaggeration.

i've been thinking about what i should get him to celebrate the annual 30th of january. ideas here and there but never a perfect one. not something grand though cause i'm short of money as usual. just something touching and nice and sweet. something that is unlike the usual me so that he'll be surprised for once. takpe takpe, still got time.